i’m screaming so loud why isn’t any sound coming out of my mouth

Hello again.

    I haven’t been on here for about a year now, and that’s because I got sent to a treatment facility. For about 10 1/2 months I was away. I was sent to this place after, as my previous post says, overdosing. Before I had left I was engaging in drugs, eating disorder, cutting, any self destructive behavior I could do. It was hell. 

    When I first got sent away I faked my way until I had the opportunity to run. I did. They caught me a while after I ran, and was welcomed back into the worst place I could think of. I got “better” for about a month and a half before spiraling down again. While I was in the treatment center I attempted to kill myself and got sent to psych ward. 

    I’d been to psych ward multiple times, but this one got to me. I thought about how I ended up at that place and realized that I didn’t even know. My memories were like watching a strange girl on TV. I couldn’t even remember a time before being “sick” or “addicted”. So I thought a lot while I was on the unit. I decided I’d get better.

    This was not something I followed through with right away. I avoided help for another two weeks, at this time I’d been in treatment for five months, before getting to work. I struggled through getting better and even when I was “better” I wasn’t able to leave. At that point I didn’t even want to. The hell became heaven and I realized “home” was the true hell.

    My stay at that treatment center completely changed my life. I’m not saying I haven’t slipped up or I won’t, but I’m different. I haven’t weighed myself in 10 1/2 months, not even when I had the chance. I look back years ago at this girl who just entered her first treatment center with a hope of getting better. I watch the horror movie that became her life. I watch her try and kill herself, overdose, throw up, starve. I watch as she comes out of her first center with hope, and see how much she has to go through before she can actually get better. 

    Here I am now. I survived. Am surviving. It’s an uphill battle, but it’s worth it. For anyone who doubts recovery and it’s strength I’m here to tell my story. 

Overdosing tonight. Wish me luck.